Monday, March 8, 2010

Interview with Bush Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao (reprise)

I've noticed that my blogging peer group has been working the nostalgia factor this past week. Far be it for me to buck the trend be anything but one of the sheep.

The first blog I ever read and commented upon was Wonkette. Before that, my online commentation was located on the Yahoo Finance MMM board.

So here's that link

I am reminded of this is because Mr. Elaine L. Chao is back in the news.

UPDATE: I left out part of the story. Here is my post on July 3, 2003:

(The Daily Wipe™) Exclusive Interview with Bush Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao

In the wake of today's disappointing reports on the unemploment rate and non farm payrolls, TDW™ gained a one on one interview with Elaine Chao (who also happens to be the second wife of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, but no one knows that, not even Senator McConnell).

TDW™: So Mrs. McConnell, what do you think of these horrendous employment reports?
ELC: (Silence, but with a stare that would curdle milk at a hundred yards)

TDW™: So Ms. Chao, what do you think of the horrendous employment reports?
ELC: We here at the Bush Administration are committed to returning this country to the proud footing it had before those Democratic sleazebags kicked out Dubya's Daddy.

TDW™: Actually, Bush Sr. lost the election because the economy was not doing well, correct?
ELC: Shut up. Anyways, as part of our Leave No Stone Unthrown© reelection campaign...

TDW™: No Stone Unthrown©?
ELC: I meant No Stone Unturned©. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Shut Up. Anyways, following in the footsteps of Saint Ronnie Reagan, I have a plan to revitalize this country's workforce, and thus its economy.

TDW™: Which particular footsteps were those?
ELC: Don't you remember when Saint Ronnie solved the school lunch budget crisis by reclassifying ketchup from condiment to vegetable?

TDW™: I do remember something about a vegetable...
ELC: Shut up. Anyways, the problem with our economy (not that there is one, everything is being solved by our brilliant president)...the PERCEIVED problem with our economy is the decline in manufacturing jobs. Manufacturers lost 56,000 jobs last month, the 35th straight decline. Since a recent peak in July 2000, factory employment has fallen by more than 2.6 million to 14.7 million.

TDW™: Thats not good.
ELC: Well, service jobs are doing quite well. And here lies the genius of my plan. When someone makes a hamburger at McDonalds, what are they doing?

TDW: Performing a service, by serving someone a nutritious meal based on the three main food groups: grease, salt, and sugar?
ELC: Shut up. What that person is doing is MANUFACTURING a hamburger! So you see, we are going to reclassify employment in the fast food industry from services to manufacturing. I expect this will add 10 percentage points to GDP expectations immediately.

TDW™: Isn't that like trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear?
ELC: (Milk curdling stare). You use too many neurons, don't you?

TDW™: I've been told that, sometimes.
ELC: That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you MMM board people. This alleged "Three Neuron Method™". Saint Ronnie perfected that two decades ago! By 'res ipsa loquitor' you people have no right to that patent.

TDW™: Excuse me, but didn't Saint Ronnie really perfect the "Zero Neuron Method™"? Impressive work to be sure, but probably beyond the capabilities of your average Neurosuction™ customer.
ELC: I guess you have a point there. Saint Ronnie truly was working without a net...or even a strand. But I digress...what do you think of my plan?

TDW™: Well, for one, service sector jobs just do not have the multiplying impact on the overall economy that manufacturing jobs do...How do McDonalds jobs add to overall economic activity?
ELC: (rolling her eyes) What dunces these many neuroned morons be. Shut up. Eat enough McDonalds meals and what happens? You need to buy a new pair of Dockers®. How's that for a multiplying impact, doughboy? This interview is over.

TDW™: Wait, I heard this funny joke about the Bush Administration, called 'things go better with bush...'
ELC: (pushes button on her desk...secret service agents rush in with drawn pistols) If he says another word, shoot him.

TDW™: OK, perhaps some other time for that joke.

~thunder for TDW™

So what happened in February 2004?

Here's Rep. Dingell's hilarious letter to N. Gregory Mankiw, chairman of the president's Council of Economic Advisers:

Dear Dr. Mankiw:

I noticed in the recently released Economic Report of the President that there was some consternation in the defining of manufacturing. It could be inferred from your report that the administration is willing to recognize drink mixing, hamburger garnishing, French/freedom fry cooking, and milk shake mixing to be vital components of our manufacturing sector.

I am sure the 163,000 factory workers who have lost their jobs in Michigan will find it heartening to know that a world of opportunity awaits them in high growth manufacturing careers like spatula operator, napkin restocking, and lunch tray removal. I do have some questions of this new policy and I hope you will help me provide answers for my constituents:

Will federal student loans and Trade Adjustment Assistance grants be applied to tuition costs at Burger College?

Will the administration commit to allowing the Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) to fund cutting edge burger research such as new nugget ingredients or keeping the hot and cold sides of burgers separate until consumption?

Will special sauce now be counted as a durable good?

Do you want fries with that?

Finally, at a speech he gave in Michigan this past September, Secretary Evans announced the creation of a new Assistant Secretary for Manufacturing. While I understand that it takes a while to find the right candidate to fill these positions, I am concerned that five months after the announcement no Assistant Secretary has yet been named. I do, however, know of a public official who would be perfect for the job. He has over thirty years of administrative and media experience, has a remarkable record of working with diverse constituencies, and is extraordinarily well qualified to understand this emerging manufacturing sector: the Hon. Mayor McCheese.

With every good wish...



zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Why probe Rangel but not mcConnell?


Seriously, I have no problem with Democrats being held to higher standards than Republicans. Hell, ANY standards.

Jennifer said...

Before that, my online commentation was located on the Yahoo Finance MMM board.

You party animal!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

That's me, Jennifer!

P.S. Post updated.

P.P.S. ZRM, I've got no problem with Nancy Pelosi strengthening the House ethics rules, and holding Rep. Rangel's feets to the fire.

However, over in the Senate**, Mitch McConnell is guilty of far worse, and no one bats an eyelash.

** Aka the Society for the Advancement of Very Wealthy People.

Brando said...

LOL at No Stone Unthrown.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Mitch McConnell is guilty of far worse, and no one bats an eyelash.

well, he IS a Republican.

It's like holding a scorpion responsible when he stings you after you pick him up. Hey wait, I bet you could write a snappy lil anecdote about that...

M. Bouffant said...

You have peers?

C'mon, false modesty is not becoming.